Ennavale Adi Ennavale by yours truly.

I hope you like it. Please do leave a comment. There is nothing that brings a smile to my face like appreciation :)

Birthday 25

So I hit 25 years this year. The last year has been phenomenal. I have achieved two of the three things I wanted to do. I will elaborate.

1) Pass my qualifying exam - After a particularly uninspired academic stint at IITM, I was glad that Prof. Krishna Vasudevan inspired me in the final stages of my studies to consider a PhD. IT was then that I decided that academics shall never take a back seat. I have performed exceedingly well in my stint at Purdue so far and have cleared my qualifying exam in the very first attempt. A small but well deserved pat on the back to myself.

2) Physical fitness had not been on my priority list till I came to the US. But after I came here, I realised how much fun I was missing out on. Prasanth, my roommate, introduced me to the wonderful sport of badminton and I became decently proficient with practice and some amazing training from my Malaysian and Indonesian friends. It was after this that I discovered the joy of running. It is liberating. It is simple. It is joy. I love it and it has given me something to indulge in when depressed over my pathetic love life(next point). I just recently finished running a half-marathon in 1 hour and 54 minutes. It was an exhilarating experience and I am very proud of myself for having trained with discipline for the last 2 months.

3) Sandya - Psychologist/advisor/friend, told me that the reason I was still single and without a single experience of romantic love was, to paraphrase, " You have never spent time around those you had feelings for. Never given romance a chance in your life because you were afraid of feeling like an idiot." So I tried, but this is one thing where the result is totally not in your hands. In other words, I failed. It was illuminating to see what was happening to me, but to be fair to Sandya and to myself, I did feel like an idiot. This is one thing I have no idea what to do about. So I have conveniently decided to ignore this aspect for the rest of my PhD and concentrate on my research. Perhaps, like they say, you really cannot do too much. Also, I was over-ambitious.

For the next year, these are my objectives:

1) At least one publication. Work hard on research.

2) Work on improving running time and concentrate on building upper body strength - biceps and triceps.

3) Concentrate on work and avoid those periods of unproductive self-pity for not having found that special someone. Or even having found a special someone in 25 years.

Lots of other things in life have worked out great for me and I am truly grateful to the forces that are for that. It is best to stop denial and start accepting the truth. Keep improving! Keep fighting!

Fluctuations

I have no idea why, but I am so happy today! A sense of rebirth and hope. Nothing special happened today except for a brief part during my regular run. I ran 7 miles today at a 9 minutes per mile pace which is decent. A certain path of the route felt rather surreal. It felt like I was going through some sort of portal into a land that was beautiful and new and young. After that, I felt great the whole day. I was so enthusiastic that when I came back and wanted to relax, I went to the MIT Open Courseware website and watched a lecture on basic programming, and completed watching the lecture. I also feel like praying and being thankful, which usually happens only in extremes of happiness or sadness. Something strange is going on. I hope all is for good.

Qualifying Exam.

I passed my Qualifying Exam with a score of 310/400 which is 30 marks more than what is required to pass despite having chosen a really tough related area. I am pretty happy with my performance. Its a big landmark moment in my life after the JEE, this being the second gigantic test of my technical ability. I am ecstatic and relieved today that I have not degraded all that much atleast as far as being able to solve academic problems go.

Ayn Rand's thoughts on love.

There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.
I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term—as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.
Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism—in terms of human suffering—is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy—of a subconscious philosophical sum—and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then—and only then—it is the greatest reward of man’s life.

From the Romantic Manifesto by Ayn Rand.

I chose

I accept that I made a mistake.
I accept that I chose wrong.
If it does not rain when it has to,
Swallow the pain and move on.

Notes to self.

1) People are invariably selfish.
2) When emotions are involved, tread very very carefully, like you were holding a syringe with the deadliest poison in the world. As thrilling as it might be, you could die if you do not handle it carefully.
3) Love does not happen and you cannot make it happen. All you can do is pretend to know.
4) Happiness can be obtained in other ways. Love is not the only solution, though it is a solution.
5) Survival is more important than happiness. In the multi-objective optimisation problem, survival gets a higher priority.
6) It is very hard to actually get over someone, even if you are not really in a relationship, when they reciprocate and then back off. Think about how hard it must be when you actually are in a relationship.
7) Find someone who can talk to you in a sensible manner without offending you or making a joke of your situation as people are wont to do. I am still looking for someone like that. Its hard because people always judge.
8) Material things are important. Irrespective of how well you groom yourself, how nice you are, how talented you are, the bottom line is always personal comfort for most people. This is related again to how people are inherently selfish.
9) Throw all the junk you saw in the particularly fantastic awesome movies out the window. The movies are awesome exactly because nothing will ever happen that way and still, someone thought of it.
10) Even if it is the hardest thing to do, never compromise on your principles. Get your principles straight and stick to it. A basic set of rules is necessary for survival.

Reject.

I am such a loser that I was dumped before I even proposed.(I thought this would sound funny, but it doesn't.)

Thats me ruining every single chance I've had at a relationship.

http://xkcd.com/439/

Rant about love.

What do I know about love.

Make love, bake love

manufacture it

plastic love

I dont have any of it

What do I know about love?

I have never kissed a girl.

Her tender soft lips

dont exist for me

it exists for a jerk who had

the guts to tell her

that he wants to kiss her

the very first time they went out.

not for me

Ill just look and admire and smile

and melt and worship and die

Die for a caress from her lips?

She will talk about me

Nice guy, she'll say

he cooks well,

he is courteous and graceful

and a good singer and athletic

and then she'll forget completely

as her hands are in someone elses

some jackass who proposed to her

when she was sixteen

when they thought love

was another flavour of coffee

What do they know about love?

I know nothing

I am sick of love

sick of knowing that I dont know

sick of even writing this poem

I should stop

I have no right to write

when all I have is thought

and all I have done

is naught.

What does anyone know about love?

Three princes, one poet

There was sounding of horns
and pomp and splendour
and gaiety and laughter and light
Tonight the king's daughter,
the king's only daughter
will choose her prince tonight.
Crowds gathered in thousands
for the choice of a king
was an important matter indeed
Who will win her hand ?
Which young and handsome
prince in this contest, succeed ?

From lands that were far
and wide and long
and smooth and hilly and bright
Three princes, riding
their royal steads
rode royally into sight
Bedecked they were,
in the best of pearls
vast oceans in disguise
sylvan silks with streaks
of gold, their princess
to entice.

She strode out slow
sweet autumn breeze
she knew she could stir the leaves
she was sky,
the fire, the earth, the water
the air in a single heave
She looked at them, but
turned away
what sheer inanity!
Three noble men
with the noble intent
of looting her nubility

She said No
and turned and left
to her dreamy room above
They knew
not that she was snug
in the heady arms of love
Could they ever touch her
with their silver and
their swords
as He dressed
and draped her with
the finery of his words

This is the truth
in the scheme of life
she never gave them a chance
When in love, she
fell
into an unmitigated trance
Remember wistful lover
love's ancient
masquerade
the game is played
in a poet's mind
before the game is played.

- Harish Suryanarayana

PS: This was a poem I wrote for my poetry class, read out loud, on the penultimate day of class.

M

It matters

not

I looked away ~

when She

glanced at me

Her poignant grey

pale moist eyes

make me cry

in poetry class.

- Harish Suryanarayana

Need... some... love... *gasps* *holds chest* ...............

Thoughts

There is no perfection in our world. This is the reason why the concept of perfection is so valuable. Perfection is a concept beyond our reality. Perfection is not real. This is not to say it is imaginary. It is beyond imaginary and real. It is beyond us. This is the reason perfection, is closest to God.

-

A very good friend of mine, an inspiration to me, suggested I do this to keep my desperation in check. 

1) Remind yourself what you are here for. 

I am here to obtain an advanced degree in Electrical Engineering, to learn more and to explore the various fantastic technological developments in my field which in many ways has contributed to the industrial revolution. Man, in his endeavour to create and understand is capable of so much more ! I should focus on learning and developing skills that will help me push the boundaries of science further and understand the intricacies of the universe. 

2) Remind yourself what your goals and missions are. 

My long term goal is this:  I want to become a professor at IIT Madras by the time I am 45 with a big enough bank balance that I wont need the salary to support myself anymore. 

My short term goal is this: I want to score atleast a 90% in my qualifying exam coming up this August. 

My really short term goal is this: Finish grading the exams of ECE321 for which I am the TA and give a smashing good presentation as a fitting finale to my FEA class.  

3) Remember that your family is waiting for you to get back with a PhD. 

I remember. I hope to live up to their expectations. I have set a decent precedent for myself and now should work to live up and exceed their expectations. 

Thanks Kmap for the help. Just writing this down helped. I am glad I pinged you and asked for your advice.

Poetic Wish

Its the perfect time for poetry.
I have not done anything
for the last three days
in hope of regaining my creativity

The poet can sleep for days on end
and claim that he is thinking
he is working
and the claim is true
for what is a poet
but a person trying to describe his own reflection
looking at a mirror stained by his perception

No doubt what he writes makes sense
only to him and to people like him
and to those who think it makes sense
because they see a shadow and think it is theirs

And if the poet succeeds in making fools
of thousands and thousands
he can make a living
and claim to be above all and intellectual
and people will worship him and put him
on a tall pedestal and the girls
will woo him and sleep with him
and slowly destroy his ability to
delude the world and himself that he is great.

And me, in writing this poem
am delusional
am crazy
am pure ennui
and hope this will make some girl
want to sleep with me.

by Harish Suryanarayana

PS: Inspired by Charles Bukowski's poetry

The Gateway to the West

I had an amazing trip to St. Louis. I am particularly proud of this photograph I took of the Gateway Arch. It is definitely worth visiting. It is a fantastic monument representing the intersection of the competence of the engineer and the imagination of the architect.   

A wish

I wish I could look at myself through someone else's eyes. It can make for a rather interesting, even frightening albeit definitely illuminating experience. 

Baavra Mann - Hazaaron Khwaishen Aisi

I absolutely adore this song. Here is my attempt at singing this fantastic composition. Please let me know what you think! 

Baavra Mann_Hazaar...

Today

He slowly woke up from what seemed an eternity. It was dark and he could not really figure out where he was or what the time was. He had just a scintilla of actuality. His laptop had moved to standby and the blinking light was the only thing he could really make out. He heard the world sighing and snoring outside or that is what it seemed. He woke up and took a few unsteady steps towards the window. It was raining and cars went by, all at approximately the same speed, one after the other. He just stood there and watched. He was not thinking. Just existing and watching cars go by as it rained. Slowly, reality started taking control. He felt like a PC on Vista. All the processes were starting slowly, one after the other and bringing him back to a reality he was a part of not by accident but by choice. Time to take take responsibility for your actions, he thought. It was time to start working on his homework. 

My first paper - online !

Everyone can now view my first IEEE conference paper online ! Just type in my name on Google Scholar ! 

Fuzzy Logic based supervision of DC Link PI control in a DSTATCOM.

Woohoo! Its a good feeling. 

You can still ruin my day.

Jon Brion is easily one of my favorite composers. I was introduced to him through the music of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which is incidentally on my top 5 movies ever ever. Here is one more gem of a song composed by Jon Brion. I'd like to put it here because I love this so much and there seems to be so much truth in the song. I would not know. 

You can still ruin my day. 

Youtube link: Click here

I know it's today, so I guess you could say one recovers

It's odd you should call me, but then after all we were lovers

I don't wait by the phone like I used to

I don't hope for kind words you might say

You don't prey on my mind like you used to

But you can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You're telling me now you regret how we never connected

Oh, as if you forget that it's me you regret you rejected

I don't easily forgive like I used to

And I seldom get carried away

No, you don't have the pull that you used to

But you can still ruin my day

Oh, you can still ruin my day

Love, it was nothing, it hardly hurt a bit,

Sounds good to me, but unfortunately I remember it

Now, I don't lose my place like I used to

I'm not moved by your artful display

No, you can't draw me in like you used to

But you can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

I said you can still ruin my day.

Notes to self

Life is too beautiful and wondrous to be wasted on petty quarrels and squabbles. So much to learn and so much to discover ! The only major constraint and motivator is Time. Music is salvation. In losing oneself in the infinite abyss of one's own mind lies the solution. Beauty, perfection, love. I keep getting back to these concepts I cannot yet comprehend. They are inter-related and life's purpose is finding meaning. Simplicity, purity, clarity. I love the fact that I am single. I love it that I have control over atleast a major portion of my free time. I love the fact that I can think and act and behave independently. I love my courses. I am blessed that I can think and do not have to constantly worry about surviving. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have the choice to lead a simple uncomplicated life. A life of math and electromagnetic fields, music and writing and thinking. Simple. Clear. I am grateful with all my heart. 

Honesty Box

Facebook has this application called Honesty Box - You can submit whatever you think of the person who has it, anonymously. I typed the following into the Honesty box of a certain friend of mine but was too much of a wuss to post it- even anonymously. I know that this blog has suffered from neglect and hardly anyone reads this, so my 20 minutes of effort, I am sure, can be posted here without there being any repurcussions. :) 

To her

I think you are absolutely amazing! You have a certain endearing laid-back, but aggressive characteristic which I adore. You are proficient and clearly a quick learner. Motivated and focussed when the need arises, you are strong and independent. You like challenges as long as they are interesting. You are beautiful but you try not to show it as you want to be recognised more for your brains and talent than for physical radiance. This adds to your almost irresistible charm. In spite of all this, you are down to earth and frank. You are nice to people and have not become a cynic, yet. You are mostly a realist with dashes of romanticism. You are, to me, in all senses of the word - perfect.