Birthday 25

So I hit 25 years this year. The last year has been a phenomenal I have achieved two of the three things I wanted. I will elaborate.

1) Pass my qualifying exam - After a particularly uninspired academic stint at IITM, I was glad that Prof. Krishna Vasudevan inspired me in the final stages of my studies to consider a PhD. IT was then that I decided that academics shall never take a back seat. I have performed exceedingly well in my stint at Purdue so far and have cleared my qualifying exam in the very first attempt. A small but well deserved pat on the back to myself.

2) Physical fitness had not been on my priority list till I came to the US. But after I came here, I realised how much fun I was missing out on. Prasanth, my roommate, introduced me to the wonderful sport of badminton and I became decently proficient with practice and some amazing training from my Malaysian and Indonesian friends. It was after this that I discovered the joy of running. It is liberating. It is simple. It is joy. I love it and it has given me something to indulge in when depressed over my pathetic love life(next point). I just recently finished running a half-marathon in 1 hour and 54 minutes. It was an exhilarating experience and I am very proud of myself for having trained with discipline for the last 2 months.

3) Sandya - Psychologist/advisor/friend, told me that the reason I was still single and without a single experience of romantic love was, to paraphrase, " You have never spent time around those you had feelings for. Never given romance a chance in your life because you were afraid of feeling like an idiot." So I tried, but this is one thing where the result is totally not in your hands. In other words, I failed. It was illuminating to see what was happening to me, but to be fair to Sandya and to myself, I did feel like an idiot. This is one thing I have no idea what to do about. So I have conveniently decided to ignore this aspect for the rest of my PhD and concentrate on my research. Perhaps, like they say, you really cannot do too much. Also, I was over-ambitious.

For the next year, these are my objectives:

1) At least one publication. Work hard on research.

2) Work on improving running time and concentrate on building upper body strength - biceps and triceps.

3) Concentrate on work and avoid those periods of unproductive self-pity for not having found that special someone. Or even having found a special someone in 25 years.

Lots of other things in life have worked out great for me and I am truly grateful to the forces that are for that. It is best to stop denial and start accepting the truth. Keep improving! Keep fighting!

Fluctuations

I have no idea why, but I am so happy today! A sense of rebirth and hope. Nothing special happened today except for a brief part during my regular run. I ran 7 miles today at a 9 minutes per mile pace which is decent. A certain path of the route felt rather surreal. It felt like I was going through some sort of portal into a land that was beautiful and new and young. After that, I felt great the whole day. I was so enthusiastic that when I came back and wanted to relax, I went to the MIT Open Courseware website and watched a lecture on basic programming, and completed watching the lecture. I also feel like praying and being thankful, which usually happens only in extremes of happiness or sadness. Something strange is going on. I hope all is for good.

Qualifying Exam.

I passed my Qualifying Exam with a score of 310/400 which is 30 marks more than what is required to pass despite having chosen a really tough related area. I am pretty happy with my performance. Its a big landmark moment in my life after the JEE, this being the second gigantic test of my technical ability. I am ecstatic and relieved today that I have not degraded all that much atleast as far as being able to solve academic problems go.

Ayn Rand's thoughts on love.

There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.
I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term—as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.
Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism—in terms of human suffering—is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy—of a subconscious philosophical sum—and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then—and only then—it is the greatest reward of man’s life.

From the Romantic Manifesto by Ayn Rand.

I chose

I accept that I made a mistake.
I accept that I chose wrong.
If it does not rain when it has to,
Swallow the pain and move on.

Notes to self.

1) People are invariably selfish.
2) When emotions are involved, tread very very carefully, like you were holding a syringe with the deadliest poison in the world. As thrilling as it might be, you could die if you do not handle it carefully.
3) Love does not happen and you cannot make it happen. All you can do is pretend to know.
4) Happiness can be obtained in other ways. Love is not the only solution, though it is a solution.
5) Survival is more important than happiness. In the multi-objective optimisation problem, survival gets a higher priority.
6) It is very hard to actually get over someone, even if you are not really in a relationship, when they reciprocate and then back off. Think about how hard it must be when you actually are in a relationship.
7) Find someone who can talk to you in a sensible manner without offending you or making a joke of your situation as people are wont to do. I am still looking for someone like that. Its hard because people always judge.
8) Material things are important. Irrespective of how well you groom yourself, how nice you are, how talented you are, the bottom line is always personal comfort for most people. This is related again to how people are inherently selfish.
9) Throw all the junk you saw in the particularly fantastic awesome movies out the window. The movies are awesome exactly because nothing will ever happen that way and still, someone thought of it.
10) Even if it is the hardest thing to do, never compromise on your principles. Get your principles straight and stick to it. A basic set of rules is necessary for survival.

Reject.

I am such a loser that I was dumped before I even proposed.(I thought this would sound funny, but it doesn't.)