Support

Crying for a sign
Crying for some foresight
Crying for a definition of what is
right and wrong
I am not strong, I am not
a pillar
to lean on.
There is no one to speak to
no one will understand
or will they, only too well.

I have only you
the darkness of the night
the quiet whirring of the fan
to keep me company
Do not leave me now
I need you to speak to
to scream at
to claw my way out of this delusion
a deluge of delusion
web after web, wave after wave
I create my own world
and soon it becomes true
It becomes life
and I sit content
on my rocking chair,
pulling at the threads
in the abysmal depths of night
one by one by one.

-- Harish Suryanarayana

R

a gentle smile

a knowing look

wisdom

mirth

-Harish Suryanarayana

One more test.

This is interesting !

Verbally and mentally fluid, you are refreshing and illuminating to those around you. This is occasionally somewhat discounted by the obvious pleasure that you take in exercising your mental acuity. Although generally peaceful you can often take a verbally aggressive tact in relations with the world, which can often be misunderstood by those around you. Innovative in the extreme, you can often think yourself right out of the correct answer to a given problem. Many times you are referred to as your own worst enemy. You tire very quickly of routine and so make poor clerks or administrative help. You also have no respect for authority and little patience for those you regard as inferior, most especially those in charge. Experimentation is your watchword and can occasionally lead to experience for its own sake and shallow decadence. Your thought can sometimes be scattered and disconnected.

http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

A day at work

- - -

- Harish Suryanarayana

New Year 2011

Dear blog,

I have neglected you over the last few months and have treated you very badly. I have been a very bad boy. I am sorry. I have however, forgotten completely, the art of writing things down. In a world obsessed with being connected to everyone else, I have lost a vital connection to my feelings. Writing it down, especially to you, dear blog, was one of my favorite activities. I will first of all, get back to writing and reclaim my connection with you. I shall now continue with my actual blog post.

2010 has been a very eventful year. I have learnt quite a bit. I have grown emotionally. I am much more patient that I ever used to be. I have learnt the meaning of responsibility. I have learnt the meaning of irresponsibility. I have grown lazier. I have started losing track of time and the harsh schedules that I decided to impose upon myself. I am back to a position where I am almost a sinking boat again. Why does man have such an affinity for self-destruction? Maybe it is programmed in us. We do not grow without struggling.

These are my aims for 2011.

1) Finish my Prelim before the next New Year.

2) Run a full marathon this year and train religiously for it (Indianapolis - October) .

3) Change my schedule ( MOrning 7:00 - Evening 5:00) No late nights/night outs. The fact that I am writing this at 3 AM at night, 2 days late is proof that this is vitally important for my life.

I will also talk to you more often. Wish me luck.

Patience

Even if the wind blows east
and the sails are tied up tight
memories of a storm this summer
stirs up butterflies
The might of the ocean
and its vacillating moods
a naughty sprite one moment
an irascible Poseidon the next.
Patience, sailor, patience
when I set sail
I closed my eyes and prayed
the ocean is what it is
my boat is what it is
and only with time will I learn
the true nature of the ocean,
of the boat, and of myself.

- Harish Suryanarayana

For Sandya

Our journey begins
with large Peruvian jars
filled with autumn leaves
of hopes and dreams
buried deep
under the impure sands
of our daily lives.

And as we sit on our beach
contemplating
sharing the little space that we have
seashells echo
the intermittent whispers
from a fisherman's old radio.

And all consciousness
is held together
by a dark strand of music
as we float
across a serene amethyst-violet sky.

-- Harish Suryanarayana

Sandya and Bheeshu, congratulations and wish you a delightful married life. (June 21st, 2010)

Birthday wish

http://www.amazon.com/Diary-Wimpy-Kid-Jeff-Kinney/dp/0810993139/

Yes, I am getting dumber. I neither have the time nor patience to read novels anymore. I have been holding on to "Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K Dick for about a month and a half and I have finished reading maybe half the book. This book is awesome and was the inspiration for Bladerunner(the game changing awesome sci-fi(I love sci-fi(sci-fi rocks)) movie). Clearly I have been writing too much MATLAB(I love MATLAB(MATLAB rocks)) code. Now, I just want to laugh at some silly things and ponder about why my closest companion is the computer and not some silly girl who wants me to listen to her whine about how hard her day was.

Physical training update.

Indianapolis Mini-marathon - 13.1 miles - DONE before I turned 25 (Oct 2009)

NEXT UP:

1) Train for an Olympic standard course triathlon.

1.5km swimming, 40 km cycling, 10 km running

Time: Before my PhD defense (approx. 2 years from now)

2) Train for a full marathon.

26.2 miles.

Time: Before my preliminary examination. (approx 1 year from now).

Ode to coffee

To the bitter staid emancipator
from all that is dull and sleepy
To that magic potion
dark and brown and deep
mysterious swirls of energy
twirls of sensation
I keep wanting you
my dearest concoction
Where are you when I most need you?

-Harish Suryanarayana

Ehsaan Tera Hoga Mujhpar - Junglee

A very sweet song. Simple. Beautiful. Just as it should be.

Valentine's Day

A day invented by couples to be smug and vainglorious about the fact that they are committed though they know they are in deep shit.

Purdue Intramurals

Won the men's doubles Intramurals at Purdue :) :) My partner was Cahya Harianto from Indonesia.

Abhi Na Jao Chodkar - Hum Dono

Abhi Na Jao Chodkar, one of my all time favourite songs has been resung! Please pardon my random pronunciation. Me and Madhavi just recorded this for fun. I hope you enjoy ! :)

Song: Abhi Na Jao Chodkar
Movie: Hum Dono
Resung by: Madhavi, Harish
Microphone used : Snowflake(Blue)




Please do let me know what you think of it. Comments make me happy. :)

30 minute late night lab doodle.

Clearly I am not very good at this. YET ! :)

Keyboard !

I am finally rediscovering the pure serene pleasure of playing the keyboard. Many many thanks to the person who sold his Yamaha PSR 195 on Craigslist for cheap. My serious romance with the keyboard began when my Chittappa (dad's younger brother) bought me a small Casio keyboard for my Upanayanam(thread ceremony). After playing around with it a bit, my dad had a feeling that I could perhaps be good at this. So he bought me a super awesome full size Yamaha keyboard. My parents have always been super supportive of everything that I have done and have tried their very best to get me what I need to improve. Needless to say, a special thanks to dad for having got me that super present for my birthday a long time ago. Well, here I am, back to my first musical love, so look out! Ill soon have a good stream of videos once I get warmed up. Next post - Creep - Radiohead !

Louisville, KY Badminton Tournament - My first sports trophy

Badminton Doubles - Group D - Winner (with Alex Kho)

2010 - Year to push limits.

2009 has been a year of mind-blowing achievements and illumination for me. It is time to push further to see what actually is possible. The following are the things I wish to do.

1) Academics

a) One IEEE transactions journal publication.

b) 4/4 in both semesters.

2) Physical Health

a) Get my pace down to 8 minutes / mile in either the April half-marathon or the October one.

b) Build decent biceps and triceps.

c) Get better at badminton to at least put up a fight in tournaments.

3) Music

a) Practice Carnatic music daily for atleast 30 minutes.

b) Record one semi-classical/light music song every 2 weeks.

4) Mental health

a) Meditate for as much time as possible.

b) Control lust.

c) Be organized.

Ennavale Adi Ennavale by yours truly.

I hope you like it. Please do leave a comment. There is nothing that brings a smile to my face like appreciation :)

Birthday 25

So I hit 25 years this year. The last year has been phenomenal. I have achieved two of the three things I wanted to do. I will elaborate.

1) Pass my qualifying exam - After a particularly uninspired academic stint at IITM, I was glad that Prof. Krishna Vasudevan inspired me in the final stages of my studies to consider a PhD. IT was then that I decided that academics shall never take a back seat. I have performed exceedingly well in my stint at Purdue so far and have cleared my qualifying exam in the very first attempt. A small but well deserved pat on the back to myself.

2) Physical fitness had not been on my priority list till I came to the US. But after I came here, I realised how much fun I was missing out on. Prasanth, my roommate, introduced me to the wonderful sport of badminton and I became decently proficient with practice and some amazing training from my Malaysian and Indonesian friends. It was after this that I discovered the joy of running. It is liberating. It is simple. It is joy. I love it and it has given me something to indulge in when depressed over my pathetic love life(next point). I just recently finished running a half-marathon in 1 hour and 54 minutes. It was an exhilarating experience and I am very proud of myself for having trained with discipline for the last 2 months.

3) Sandya - Psychologist/advisor/friend, told me that the reason I was still single and without a single experience of romantic love was, to paraphrase, " You have never spent time around those you had feelings for. Never given romance a chance in your life because you were afraid of feeling like an idiot." So I tried, but this is one thing where the result is totally not in your hands. In other words, I failed. It was illuminating to see what was happening to me, but to be fair to Sandya and to myself, I did feel like an idiot. This is one thing I have no idea what to do about. So I have conveniently decided to ignore this aspect for the rest of my PhD and concentrate on my research. Perhaps, like they say, you really cannot do too much. Also, I was over-ambitious.

For the next year, these are my objectives:

1) At least one publication. Work hard on research.

2) Work on improving running time and concentrate on building upper body strength - biceps and triceps.

3) Concentrate on work and avoid those periods of unproductive self-pity for not having found that special someone. Or even having found a special someone in 25 years.

Lots of other things in life have worked out great for me and I am truly grateful to the forces that are for that. It is best to stop denial and start accepting the truth. Keep improving! Keep fighting!

Fluctuations

I have no idea why, but I am so happy today! A sense of rebirth and hope. Nothing special happened today except for a brief part during my regular run. I ran 7 miles today at a 9 minutes per mile pace which is decent. A certain path of the route felt rather surreal. It felt like I was going through some sort of portal into a land that was beautiful and new and young. After that, I felt great the whole day. I was so enthusiastic that when I came back and wanted to relax, I went to the MIT Open Courseware website and watched a lecture on basic programming, and completed watching the lecture. I also feel like praying and being thankful, which usually happens only in extremes of happiness or sadness. Something strange is going on. I hope all is for good.

Qualifying Exam.

I passed my Qualifying Exam with a score of 310/400 which is 30 marks more than what is required to pass despite having chosen a really tough related area. I am pretty happy with my performance. Its a big landmark moment in my life after the JEE, this being the second gigantic test of my technical ability. I am ecstatic and relieved today that I have not degraded all that much atleast as far as being able to solve academic problems go.

Ayn Rand's thoughts on love.

There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.
I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term—as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.
Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism—in terms of human suffering—is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy—of a subconscious philosophical sum—and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then—and only then—it is the greatest reward of man’s life.

From the Romantic Manifesto by Ayn Rand.

I chose

I accept that I made a mistake.
I accept that I chose wrong.
If it does not rain when it has to,
Swallow the pain and move on.

Notes to self.

1) People are invariably selfish.
2) When emotions are involved, tread very very carefully, like you were holding a syringe with the deadliest poison in the world. As thrilling as it might be, you could die if you do not handle it carefully.
3) Love does not happen and you cannot make it happen. All you can do is pretend to know.
4) Happiness can be obtained in other ways. Love is not the only solution, though it is a solution.
5) Survival is more important than happiness. In the multi-objective optimisation problem, survival gets a higher priority.
6) It is very hard to actually get over someone, even if you are not really in a relationship, when they reciprocate and then back off. Think about how hard it must be when you actually are in a relationship.
7) Find someone who can talk to you in a sensible manner without offending you or making a joke of your situation as people are wont to do. I am still looking for someone like that. Its hard because people always judge.
8) Material things are important. Irrespective of how well you groom yourself, how nice you are, how talented you are, the bottom line is always personal comfort for most people. This is related again to how people are inherently selfish.
9) Throw all the junk you saw in the particularly fantastic awesome movies out the window. The movies are awesome exactly because nothing will ever happen that way and still, someone thought of it.
10) Even if it is the hardest thing to do, never compromise on your principles. Get your principles straight and stick to it. A basic set of rules is necessary for survival.

Reject.

I am such a loser that I was dumped before I even proposed.(I thought this would sound funny, but it doesn't.)

Thats me ruining every single chance I've had at a relationship.

http://xkcd.com/439/

Rant about love.

What do I know about love.

Make love, bake love

manufacture it

plastic love

I dont have any of it

What do I know about love?

I have never kissed a girl.

Her tender soft lips

dont exist for me

it exists for a jerk who had

the guts to tell her

that he wants to kiss her

the very first time they went out.

not for me

Ill just look and admire and smile

and melt and worship and die

Die for a caress from her lips?

She will talk about me

Nice guy, she'll say

he cooks well,

he is courteous and graceful

and a good singer and athletic

and then she'll forget completely

as her hands are in someone elses

some jackass who proposed to her

when she was sixteen

when they thought love

was another flavour of coffee

What do they know about love?

I know nothing

I am sick of love

sick of knowing that I dont know

sick of even writing this poem

I should stop

I have no right to write

when all I have is thought

and all I have done

is naught.

What does anyone know about love?

Three princes, one poet

There was sounding of horns
and pomp and splendour
and gaiety and laughter and light
Tonight the king's daughter,
the king's only daughter
will choose her prince tonight.
Crowds gathered in thousands
for the choice of a king
was an important matter indeed
Who will win her hand ?
Which young and handsome
prince in this contest, succeed ?

From lands that were far
and wide and long
and smooth and hilly and bright
Three princes, riding
their royal steads
rode royally into sight
Bedecked they were,
in the best of pearls
vast oceans in disguise
sylvan silks with streaks
of gold, their princess
to entice.

She strode out slow
sweet autumn breeze
she knew she could stir the leaves
she was sky,
the fire, the earth, the water
the air in a single heave
She looked at them, but
turned away
what sheer inanity!
Three noble men
with the noble intent
of looting her nubility

She said No
and turned and left
to her dreamy room above
They knew
not that she was snug
in the heady arms of love
Could they ever touch her
with their silver and
their swords
as He dressed
and draped her with
the finery of his words

This is the truth
in the scheme of life
she never gave them a chance
When in love, she
fell
into an unmitigated trance
Remember wistful lover
love's ancient
masquerade
the game is played
in a poet's mind
before the game is played.

- Harish Suryanarayana

PS: This was a poem I wrote for my poetry class, read out loud, on the penultimate day of class.

M

It matters

not

I looked away ~

when She

glanced at me

Her poignant grey

pale moist eyes

make me cry

in poetry class.

- Harish Suryanarayana

Need... some... love... *gasps* *holds chest* ...............

Thoughts

There is no perfection in our world. This is the reason why the concept of perfection is so valuable. Perfection is a concept beyond our reality. Perfection is not real. This is not to say it is imaginary. It is beyond imaginary and real. It is beyond us. This is the reason perfection, is closest to God.

-

A very good friend of mine, an inspiration to me, suggested I do this to keep my desperation in check. 

1) Remind yourself what you are here for. 

I am here to obtain an advanced degree in Electrical Engineering, to learn more and to explore the various fantastic technological developments in my field which in many ways has contributed to the industrial revolution. Man, in his endeavour to create and understand is capable of so much more ! I should focus on learning and developing skills that will help me push the boundaries of science further and understand the intricacies of the universe. 

2) Remind yourself what your goals and missions are. 

My long term goal is this:  I want to become a professor at IIT Madras by the time I am 45 with a big enough bank balance that I wont need the salary to support myself anymore. 

My short term goal is this: I want to score atleast a 90% in my qualifying exam coming up this August. 

My really short term goal is this: Finish grading the exams of ECE321 for which I am the TA and give a smashing good presentation as a fitting finale to my FEA class.  

3) Remember that your family is waiting for you to get back with a PhD. 

I remember. I hope to live up to their expectations. I have set a decent precedent for myself and now should work to live up and exceed their expectations. 

Thanks Kmap for the help. Just writing this down helped. I am glad I pinged you and asked for your advice.

Poetic Wish

Its the perfect time for poetry.
I have not done anything
for the last three days
in hope of regaining my creativity

The poet can sleep for days on end
and claim that he is thinking
he is working
and the claim is true
for what is a poet
but a person trying to describe his own reflection
looking at a mirror stained by his perception

No doubt what he writes makes sense
only to him and to people like him
and to those who think it makes sense
because they see a shadow and think it is theirs

And if the poet succeeds in making fools
of thousands and thousands
he can make a living
and claim to be above all and intellectual
and people will worship him and put him
on a tall pedestal and the girls
will woo him and sleep with him
and slowly destroy his ability to
delude the world and himself that he is great.

And me, in writing this poem
am delusional
am crazy
am pure ennui
and hope this will make some girl
want to sleep with me.

by Harish Suryanarayana

PS: Inspired by Charles Bukowski's poetry

The Gateway to the West

I had an amazing trip to St. Louis. I am particularly proud of this photograph I took of the Gateway Arch. It is definitely worth visiting. It is a fantastic monument representing the intersection of the competence of the engineer and the imagination of the architect.   

A wish

I wish I could look at myself through someone else's eyes. It can make for a rather interesting, even frightening albeit definitely illuminating experience. 

Baavra Mann - Hazaaron Khwaishen Aisi

I absolutely adore this song. Here is my attempt at singing this fantastic composition. Please let me know what you think! 

Baavra Mann_Hazaar...

Today

He slowly woke up from what seemed an eternity. It was dark and he could not really figure out where he was or what the time was. He had just a scintilla of actuality. His laptop had moved to standby and the blinking light was the only thing he could really make out. He heard the world sighing and snoring outside or that is what it seemed. He woke up and took a few unsteady steps towards the window. It was raining and cars went by, all at approximately the same speed, one after the other. He just stood there and watched. He was not thinking. Just existing and watching cars go by as it rained. Slowly, reality started taking control. He felt like a PC on Vista. All the processes were starting slowly, one after the other and bringing him back to a reality he was a part of not by accident but by choice. Time to take take responsibility for your actions, he thought. It was time to start working on his homework. 

My first paper - online !

Everyone can now view my first IEEE conference paper online ! Just type in my name on Google Scholar ! 

Fuzzy Logic based supervision of DC Link PI control in a DSTATCOM.

Woohoo! Its a good feeling. 

You can still ruin my day.

Jon Brion is easily one of my favorite composers. I was introduced to him through the music of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which is incidentally on my top 5 movies ever ever. Here is one more gem of a song composed by Jon Brion. I'd like to put it here because I love this so much and there seems to be so much truth in the song. I would not know. 

You can still ruin my day. 

Youtube link: Click here

I know it's today, so I guess you could say one recovers

It's odd you should call me, but then after all we were lovers

I don't wait by the phone like I used to

I don't hope for kind words you might say

You don't prey on my mind like you used to

But you can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You're telling me now you regret how we never connected

Oh, as if you forget that it's me you regret you rejected

I don't easily forgive like I used to

And I seldom get carried away

No, you don't have the pull that you used to

But you can still ruin my day

Oh, you can still ruin my day

Love, it was nothing, it hardly hurt a bit,

Sounds good to me, but unfortunately I remember it

Now, I don't lose my place like I used to

I'm not moved by your artful display

No, you can't draw me in like you used to

But you can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

You can still ruin my day

I said you can still ruin my day.

Notes to self

Life is too beautiful and wondrous to be wasted on petty quarrels and squabbles. So much to learn and so much to discover ! The only major constraint and motivator is Time. Music is salvation. In losing oneself in the infinite abyss of one's own mind lies the solution. Beauty, perfection, love. I keep getting back to these concepts I cannot yet comprehend. They are inter-related and life's purpose is finding meaning. Simplicity, purity, clarity. I love the fact that I am single. I love it that I have control over atleast a major portion of my free time. I love the fact that I can think and act and behave independently. I love my courses. I am blessed that I can think and do not have to constantly worry about surviving. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have the choice to lead a simple uncomplicated life. A life of math and electromagnetic fields, music and writing and thinking. Simple. Clear. I am grateful with all my heart. 

Honesty Box

Facebook has this application called Honesty Box - You can submit whatever you think of the person who has it, anonymously. I typed the following into the Honesty box of a certain friend of mine but was too much of a wuss to post it- even anonymously. I know that this blog has suffered from neglect and hardly anyone reads this, so my 20 minutes of effort, I am sure, can be posted here without there being any repurcussions. :) 

To her

I think you are absolutely amazing! You have a certain endearing laid-back, but aggressive characteristic which I adore. You are proficient and clearly a quick learner. Motivated and focussed when the need arises, you are strong and independent. You like challenges as long as they are interesting. You are beautiful but you try not to show it as you want to be recognised more for your brains and talent than for physical radiance. This adds to your almost irresistible charm. In spite of all this, you are down to earth and frank. You are nice to people and have not become a cynic, yet. You are mostly a realist with dashes of romanticism. You are, to me, in all senses of the word - perfect.

Where is she ?

Where is she ? Where is she ?
I need a hand to hold.
The rain drop, solitary
The rain drop, dead
Its sad, one after the other
single and dead.

Where is she? Where is she?
I cant just sit and be
the soft touch of her
damp lovely skin
No more rain!
No more of this !

Where is she? Where is she?
A gentle nudge, hot coffee
Rain ! Rain !
Don't do this to me !
Don't push me off the cliff
I am trying to flee

Where is she? Where is she?
She is not here
She is not with me
She does not exist
She does not see
She will never be here
I will never be me.

-Harish

Pukarta Chala Hoon Main

I somehow cannot get enough of singing. So here is another absolutely brilliant yesteryears' masterpiece. Composed by OP Nayyar Sahab and sung by none other than Rafi, this song was a huge huge hit.

So here is Pukarta Chala Hoon Main from the movie Mere Sanam sung by yours truly.

Pukarta Chala Hoon...

PS: Thanks to Geetnet for the Karaoke.

Tere Mere Milan Ki Yeh Raina

This song is one of those rarest of the rare gems of Hindi music. I have been wanting to sing this for some time now and finally, I have !

Click below to listen to me singing "Tere Mere Milan Ki Yeh Raina" from the movie Abhimaan.

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

PS: Please leave a comment if you liked what you heard. Comments make me happy :)

The Blow

He knew it. He was one strong jab away from winning the boxing championship. He thought about the money he had received to throw this away, about what the mafia boss would do, about his debts, about his wife and his two little girls.

Wham!  Knockout!  He won and lost.

PS: This was my entry to the Justin S. Morrill Mini Saga contest held at Purdue University. The rules of the competition were that the entry should tell a complete story in exactly 50 words. I did not win, but I like my story ! 

Happy Birthday Harish ! ( 20th Oct, 2008 )

I had one of the most "kickass" birthday parties ever ever ! A picture is worth a thousand words, so here is an essay of a few thousand words. Thank you, friends, for making it such a memorable and amazing experience. Special thanks to my roommates, Prasanth and Aditya, who are the bestest roommates one can have and to Jalaja "P" for having walked for 45 minutes to get my cake. Thank you, Shalini and Mehernaz for the amazingly tasty cake you made, which I devoured. Thank you Leela for the super sweet video you made for me. It totally made my day ! A big thanks for everyone who shared this wonderful day with me.







THANK YOU !

First Kiss

Love, time and perfection enjoyed a wonderful evening sipping tea and staring into huge rain bearing clouds. A small tear escaped her large doe eyes just before the downpour started. Time stood still, love was in the air and in the perfection of that moment, he held her gently, like a crumbling old letter from a college sweetheart and kissed her.

Notes to Self

There is absolutely no point in living a normal life. In fact, there is really no point in living, if you cannot be exceptional. Paraphrasing Rand, real happiness lies in realizing one's values. Do not live life being sheep ! Do not go with the flow. Work to be perfect, even if it is not required of you. True beauty, true niceness, love all have their basis in perfection. A sudden coming together of the forces we don't understand which in that "aha" moment reveal to us that there is more. Work to understand, challenge yourself. Do not settle in a comfort zone. When you are satisfied, you never progress. Put pressure on yourself. Push yourself to your limits, physically, mentally and emotionally. Love will find you slowly with time. You will find love. Love is an integral part in the pursuit of perfection. There is no perfection without love and there is no love without perfection.

Warholed (Raised Eyebrow)

Art !

If I should specify one reason, only one strong reason, as to why I want to be rich, it would be because I want to be able to buy beautiful things. Before you start off on what a pervert I am, I am talking about art. The beauty of art lies in the fact that it can mean so many things to so many people. The true artist is one who captures these emotions, these Oh-so-many feelings and packs them all into his work that us, as the artist's audience with our filters, still catch a glimpse of his genius. I had to pick 5 postcards (as they had an offer) and these are the ones I got.

1) Brian, the dog from Family guy.
2) Marlon Brando with his cat in the Godfather.
3) The sweet Audrey Hepburn - my goddess.
4) Cafe Terrace at Night by Vincent Van Gogh.
5) A Tweety Bird card for mom.

Cafe Terrace at Night by Van Gogh is one my most favourite paintings. It reminds me of those wonderful nights we went out for treats and returned back to our rooms content, full and happy; gazing at the stars on the long way back from the IIT main gate to the hostel. And so my first purchase for myself in America - a print of Cafe Terrace at Night.

Candlelight Contemplation

Postits

Jaane Woh Kaise - Pyaasa

I believe this blog, my little home on the web, is sort of a representation of myself. I have written about music here, but have not to date uploaded my voice. Well, here goes. :)

The song that I'll be singing today is one of those absolute pathos filled classics of S D Burman sir. His music has moved and will continue to influence generations of Hindi music lovers. The song is from the movie Pyaasa which by itself is another masterpiece by Guru Dutt. Ill provide a translation, though not literal, of what I feel about the meaning of the song.

The song : Jaane Woh Kaise
The movie : Pyaasa
Composer : S D Burman
Lyricist : Sahir Ludhianvi
Original Singer: Hemant Kumar

Please click on the widget to listen to me singing this song.

Jaane Woh Kaise_Py...

Jaane Woh Kaise Log The Jinke Pyar Ko Pyar Mila
Humne To Jab Kaliyaan Maangi Kaaton Ka Haar Mila

( I wonder how many people exist who have received love for their love.
When I asked for flowers, I received a garland of thorns )

Khushiyon Ki manzil Dhoondhi tho Gham Ki Gard Mili
Chaahat Ke nagme Chaahe tho Aahe Sard Mili
Dil Ke Bhoj Ko Dugna Kar Gaya Jo Gham haar mila
Humne To Jab Kaliyaan Maangi Kaanton Ka Haar Mila ..

( I searched for happiness and found sorrow
I wanted moments of longing and obtained pain
The weight in my heart has been doubled, I have faced such a plaintive defeat
When I asked for flowers, I received a garland of thorns .. )

Bichhad Gayaa Har Saathi Dekar Pal Do Pal Ka Saath
Kisko Phursat Hai Jo Thaame Deewanon Ka Haath
Humko Apna Saaya Tak Aqsar Bezaar Mila
Humne To Jab Kaliyaan Maangi, Kaanton Ka Haar Mila ..

(Every friend has left me after giving me company for a few moments 
Who has the time to comfort a lover ? 
Even my shadow seems apathetic to my state
When I asked for flowers, I received a garland of thorns .. )

Isko Hi Jeena Kehte Hain To Yunhi Ji Lenge
Uf Na Karenge Lab See Lenge Aansoo Pee Lenge
Gham Se Ab Ghabraana Kaisa Gham Sau Baar Mila
Humne To Jab...

( If this is what they call living, then we will live like this
We won't sigh, we will sew our lips together, we will drink our tears
I am no longer worried about sorrow, I have seen it a hundred times
When I asked for flowers, I received a garland of thorns .. )

Please do let me know if you liked it :)


PS: Discovered that the above version has some faults in the lyrics. The actual lyrics ( so as to do justice to Ludhianvi sahab ) can perhaps be found here.

The next Wolverine.

The Marriage

He stood at the corner of the room, in his coat and tie and neatly combed hair. His polished shoe, almost perfect, with just a small white smudge on the side; the wedding hall had just been renovated. His composure and smile were a perfect mask, impenetrable, perfected over years of restraint, years and years of wanting to do the right thing, and doing it. She was getting married today. He tried to hold back the contempt he felt towards the bridegroom, towards the scores of relatives, some whom he knew some whom he did not, contempt towards his friends and hers, who were talking about the most pointless of matters, contempt towards the insect which was buzzing around the cameraman's light. Yet he stood there smiling. Like he should. Like what was expected of him. One more day, he thought. One more lifetime. He can take the beating.

3 years had passed since they first met. It was fantastic in the beginning. It always usually is. They talked for hours. They shared music. They complained about the sad state of affairs in the country and why it is impossible to make progress under a corrupt oligarchy. And then he had to leave. He had no choice but to. And a decision had to be made. It was not the most cordial parting but he knew he had to stop thinking about her. Ill not take you through the boring details of human stupidity. Most of us have experienced it and know what happens when one is frustrated, especially in matters of affection and reciprocation. He wanted a little bit more involvement from her and she was reluctant to concede even that little bit. And so they stopped talking and that was that.

Things were fine till he received that bloody wedding invitation. Perhaps, there is some profound truth in that statement in the Thomas Crown Affair - 'People do not realise what they have till its gone'. Well gone it was and realise he did. But he wanted to attend the wedding. He wanted to see her. He wanted to see if there was even one single scrap of feeling, a fleeting vestige of emotion. Something he could use to berate himself in that absolute self criticizing mood he sometimes got into. He knew he would not get it. She was blissful and happy. "Screw her", he thought but that was a thought he could not hold. His smile had slowly transformed into a smirk without his knowledge like how sometimes it is evening and suddenly it is night. He corrected himself and put his smile back on. It was difficult but it had to be done.

She was looking at him from the wedding platform. Her eyes were on him. "Did she see that?", he thought and quickly flashed a smile. "Congratulations", he whispered with exaggerated stress so that she could read his lips from where she was."Thank you", she whispered back as is customary and looked away. Some other friend had come to convey her bloody wishes. He was a masochist but he was not suicidal. So he dusted his shoes and having enjoyed enough of his share of mental torture walked away.

The Purse

"Where is my wallet?" I wondered. It should be safely nestled in the left pocket of my pants, but it isn't. Well, I am not sure sure it isn't there. I am just too lazy to get up from my berth to check. I don't want to be sure anyway. I would then have nothing to to worry about and my manic self-absorbed imagination which is usually my only friend, would start irritating me. So, I lay on my berth, pondering,whether my purse, my wonderful brown leather purse, with its boring contents, was actually in my pocket. "Was my purse really there?" My concentration was abruptly broken, my train of thought, derailed by a gentle tap on my shoulder."You dropped your purse", she smiled.In one masterstroke, she managed to dispel my worry and add my fiendish friend, my imagination to my already cramped berth.

I am ready

He sat on the wall and gazed at the sky. Flashes of lightning lit up random aggregations of cloud, moving too fast to care.The wind blew by callously, banging windows and doors. The trees bent one after the other, as if their master were walking on the long corridors of the hostel. And in all this tension, and movement and chaos, he sat there, lonely, on the wall, by the storm and smiled. He had finished his journey.It took him all of 5 years. He looked into the storm that was brewing, muttering to himself words that the wind would carry. 'I am ready'.

Alone

Late evening.. sunset
I drove towards the sea
the vehicles that passed by me
cast momentary shadows...
only momentary...

To Purdue - With joy and expectation

I am filled with pleasure and sweet exhilaration to inform you that I have been recommended for admission for a PhD at the School of Electrical and Computer Sciences Engineering at Purdue University, West Lafayette with Teaching Assistantship.

This feels like a dream come true. I just threw a stone in the dark, hoping it will hit something and I found a pot of gold ! I believe my decent scores in the GRE ( 1510 /1600 ) and TOEFL ( 116/120 ) helped me in obtaining the Teaching Assistantship. Well, what else can I say .. I am the man [:)] .

My first publication !

My haiku have been published in the World Haiku Review in the haiku of merit. My second literary achievement after the Saarang 2006 Creative Writing crack. I feel like blowing my own trumpet a little, so please don't mind :) . The link to the World Haiku Club's review of the conference I attended is given below.

Haiku of Merit at the WHC

Many haiku above are brilliant, especially the award winning haiku by Kameshwar - has a true Zen ring to it. All poets were asked to submit three haiku for consideration in the contest. I am glad that all the three haiku submitted by me have made it to the top 20 ! Here are the haiku that made it.

---------------------
still winter night
the wind chimes tinkle
as I close the door
-------------------------
constipated baby ~
after an hour in the toilet
a smile
-------------------------
large Gulmohar tree
I stop to see an iora
it flies away
---------------------

by Harish Suryanarayana [ All rights reserved ]

PS: An iora is a small yellow bird. Any comments on my work are welcome.

Her

How can I tell you about her
Being a mere mortal,
my senses are not enough
to take in the expanse of her beauty
Lost in her tousled black hair
for days and days
I search for salvation
And then a word from her
and I am lost again
in the sweetness of her voice
Why does she tease me like this ?
Like a fantastic poem,
every time I meet her
she is different, or is it me ?
And I spend all my time
trying to figure out her puzzles
imaginary problems with no solution
while she spends her days in bliss
Every night, before I sleep
I only hope she knows.
I only hope she knows.

Anguish

My confusion has become a joke
They are drawing their swords
Ready to swiftly finish me
Once I put down my armour
I am not normal
I am not ordinary
And I will not ever be
I loathe these words
I loathe what they make you
You are just like anyone else !
What can be further from the truth
When the mind wants to suffer
Needs to feel pain
It will invent its own excuses
And force you to sleep and cry.

-

two cycles only
in desolate cycle stand
leaning on each other

Harish Suryanarayana

Your smile

The pitter patter of everyday life,
a rainbow fills my heart,
as your lips part and you smile.

- Harish Suryanarayana

santa barbara, ca

santa barbara, ca
Originally uploaded by .Arun

Reminds me of the novel Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. It is a must read and one of my favourites. This moment has been captured ever so beautifully by Arun. The yellow hues are an all time favourite for me and Arun manages to get them perfect in this picture !

New Year Resolution Post

This year is going to be one fantastic rollercoaster ride ! Adrenalin all the way ! Atleast I hope so :|
So here are my totally unrealistic, hyperbolic aims for 2008.

1) Academics - One IEEE journal paper out of my final year dual degree project.
2) Music a) Be able to perform at least 10 songs on my out-of-the-world Yamaha PSR295 synthesizer.
3) Music b) Sing well enough to please my Carnatic music teacher mami. And practice everyday.
4) Mind Maintenance a) Write regularly and more importantly write well. Update blog regularly :)
5) Mind Maintenance b) Read at least one novel a month.
6) Body - Reduce the slowly growing spherical aberration in my abdominal area to a plane.
7) Sports - Play table-tennis and chess at least twice a week.
8) Crib - Stop cribbing about not having a love life ;) .

8 aims for 2008 ! Go Harish !

Happy New Year everyone !!! 

You

Time drifts by
flotsam on a slow river
nowhere to go, nothing to achieve
existing to exist.

My soul is hungry
depleted and lonely
A single tree facing
a vehement storm
my leaves fall away
one by one.

The sunset
a distant horizon
and all I can do
is sit and think
about you.

- Harish Suryanarayana.

Musings in desperation

-----------------------
In deep sleep
her hand touches my lip
a shiver
-----------------------
distant thoughts
I hug her pillow
smell of jasmine
-----------------------
intertwined hands
many waves
one golden moon
-----------------------
Harish Suryanarayana

Jai Hind

Its a bittersweet symphony, this life ...

This post is about this fantastic fantastic song by The Verve - "Bittersweet Symphony". Before continuing, I would urge you to have a look at the video.

Now that you have seen it, and enjoyed it, if you paid enough attention, you will observe that it is a beautiful commentary on how to live your life. In the beginning of the video, Richard Ashcroft looks up, a small prayer to the Almighty before he begins his journey. And then he starts walking and does not stop. This is a plea for persistence. Irrespective of what comes your way, once you decide on something, you keep going. Some people will bar your way, some move away and few more create trouble. What is important is that you keep going without losing steam. The masterstroke is when the car goes by and he looks at his reflection. This is to indicate that sometimes when you have to stop, use the time for introspection and then keep going. If you can just do that, if you have the will and the tenacity to follow through, people will automatically notice you and follow you. You can be an inspiration in this bittersweet symphony called life.

Three

Photo courtesy : T J Karthik - an absolute stud and an awesome friend. Check out his photo collection at PhotoGlot. Thats me to the extreme right with the 'Jolna Pai ' :) . Photo at Besant Nagar Beach.

The weird thing tag

Tagged by Crescent a long long time ago.

I am to write about eight weird things about myself. Well, here goes [:)]

8) I like clean ears. I keep cleaning my ears every few hours. I know its not a good thing, but weird it is.

7) I can spot spelling/grammatical mistakes faster than most of my friends. It kinda jumps out at me and I cannot stand them.

6) I work best on the things that do not matter like my GRE instead of working on my fantastic project. I always do better on pass-fail courses than on graded ones.

5) I am a masochist to the core. Even if there are no problems, I create imaginary ones and wallow in sorrow.

4) I am obsessed with improving myself but end up pained again because of my laziness. If only I could kick that habit of procrastinating ! This is not very weird but I'd put it here anyway.

3) I like shouting out loud songs like "Tub-thumping" by Chumbawamba and "Take a look around " by Limp Bizkit to get a natural high. It works !

2) I listen to every kind, every genre of music. Carnatic to heavy metal, jazz to Hindustani instrumental. I frown at those people who say one is better than the other. Listen to what you enjoy !

1)


:P Weird !

The denouement

Okay, so I am free [:)] I am free from the endless hours going through long lists of words. Words like obstreperous , braggadocio , libretto and many more. I am done with the vacuous and inane formality know as the GRE or the Graduate Record Examination.

---------------------------------

Name : Harish Suryanarayana

Score :

Quant: 800 Verbal: 710

----------------------------------

Life is good. I am happy, more because this score ( which I think is pretty decent ) is the outcome of about a month of work, the last week being particularly strenuous. It slowly consumed me till I was practically doing nothing else. My guide at college was not happy at all.
Was it worth it?

Absolutely !

Ill never forget the poignant moment when I was my sister's status message after I told her about the result - " My brother rocks ! "

Only once one has known real sadness can one feel true happiness.

The study of human emotions is a complex and interesting task.Though it can be highly subjective, since different people have different experiences, certain aspects can give us a holistic understanding.Humans live their lives based on comparisons. I firmly believe that only by knowing what is bad can one know what is good; only if you know real sadness,can you feel true happiness.Firstly, many rituals and cultural traditions involve feeling sadness or mourning.These may indicate an understanding amongst our ancestors that perhaps we should gain knowledge if suffering as well.Secondly,it can be seen that the definition of happiness and sadness have an inherent connection.It is my contention that happiness cannot truly exist without its dear morose friend,sadness.

The Greeks had a certain deep affection for tragedies and tragic plays. They wished to imbibe 'pathos' into their souls.They seem to have realized that to know sorrow would perhaps help them understand happiness.The Japanese have a special festival where they mourn the loss of leaves and flowers during autumn.Many instances like this can be found in world history where the populace desire to feel sorrow. This is perhaps a reaction to knowing that only by balance, only by knowing knowing the Yin, can the Yang be understood.

The fundamental concept of happiness comes under question without sadness.How can happiness be defined ? This definition is extremely subjective and can vary from person to person. For some, it might mean monetary success and for others happiness could be finding the one they love and sharing their lives with them.However, sadness has a more general definite form. Pain and suffering seem to be more general and have a clearer definition . Though the lack of sadness cannot be equated to happiness, it is definitely one of the prerequisites of happiness.

It is often said that it is in sadness and pain that a person's character is shaped.With millions of people dying without food,water and the basic amenities required for a decent life, people with these facilities should realise how fortunate they are. In the hustle-bustle of today's materialistic world, it is easy to overlook our blessings. Only when we know and realise the pain so many fellow humans suffer, can we appreciate the wonderful life we have been bestowed.It is my contention that indeed, only once one has known real sadness can one feel true happiness.

PS: I wrote this essay in the stipulated 45 minutes for my GRE. Feel free to give me your inputs on how to improve it.

Delusion

Mind maurauded
looted,raped
Stop this futile addition of zeros
Stop this programming
Mindless hours of decadence.

Consumerism !
You have to own a car!
You have to own a house!
Why ?

Redefine your life.
Society! Shut up !
Stop feeding me your execrable ideals
People all sheep !
All sheep fighting to own more.
Look at yourselves and weep

For where there could have been
a happy musician
now stands,
a haggard zombie in a suit
Is your coat and your car
enough for you?
In your final eight minutes
I assure you, friend
You'd live your life again
and when the time comes
to decide,
You will choose without hesitation
What you want! What YOU want!

This internecine struggle
between heart and mind
This is Maya. This is delusion
Throw it away. Cast it aside
and you have
YOU! You have GOD.

- Harish Suryanarayana

25 things I want to do/experience before I die

25. I want to see loved ones get genuinely teary eyed when I achieve what I plan to.

24. I want to be able to spend a whole night camping in some remote place with my special one.

23. I want to give a full fledged Carnatic concert to family and friends.

22. I wish to own a grand piano and be able to play it well enough to impress myself.

21. I want to go sky diving. Feel gravity. Feel the earth pulling me towards her.

20. I want my first kiss to feel magically divine.

19. I want to feel achievement again. JEE result time was the only time I really felt exhilaration. I want that feeling once more at least.

18. I want to feel my six pack abs. I want her to feel my six pack abs.

17. I want to see my mom and dad tension free, leading a carefree life.

16. I want to be my sister's kid's favourite uncle. *

15. I wish to be able get out of bed when I feel like. This has been the toughest thing for me.

14. I want to sketch and paint. I want to create works of art which make people think.

13. I want to speak French and Sanskrit. Both languages totally kick ass.

12. I want to get high. Once. Just to see what my strange little mind can conjure. My dreams are weird enough.

11. I want to gift my sis something invaluable when she least expects it .

And thats all I can think of for now.. Strange ! I thought I could hit 25 peacefully !!

Creepy !

Imagine you are sitting at the end of a dark corridor. You are on a rocking chair and the only light visible is a tubelight at the far end and even that flickers, throwing waves of light suddenly and taking it away with equal ease. You cannot move and are somehow stuck to the rocking chair. It is rocking slowly, to and fro, to and fro.The wind is blowing slowly but is strong enough to make an uneasy Shhhing sound as it weaves its way past the trees. The breeze is unusually cold. And then, you listen to the soundtrack of Rosemary's baby !!

Creepy ! ! !

PS: I first listened to this soundtrack in mid-afternoon and still got creeped out. How do they come up with such beautiful expressions of emotion?

Dirt

There is dirt in my mind,
Dirt, like that grease stain
on a pure white shirt
It is pure white no more,
however hard I scrub.
It is just there, ugly
hurting me, hurting itself
for I might give up
and rather than wear it,
throw it away.

My first music class in 7 years !

Retro Mode:

Class VI to Class IX - Harish! Why he is the lead singer of the school's choir team.
Class X - Harish! He was the lead singer of the school's choir team.


It was during that transitory period in class X. You are not too sure what is happening around you.
And then suddenly you cannot sing anymore. My voice broke when I was in class X and it was then that I stopped learning Carnatic Music. Biggest mistake of my life. Now I am going to set things right again. I had my first class and after hearing me sing, my new guru decided to start me off on the Varnams. Totally awesome result ! Did not want to do the Swarajathis again. I am so happy

Year V - IITM : Harish has started learning music again !

Stirrings

Well, today I had a spiritual moment. A beautiful beautiful moment which seemed to last forever. And it came out of the blue. After a nice dinner - paruppu podi saadam, my favourite, I cycled back to my room and suddenly I wanted to to listen to Whisperings. My favourite internet radio station. The weather here in Chennai was surprisingly perfect, cool breeze, trees swaying and making their shhhhhhes. Then as the soulful notes of a tune played in my room, all suddenly became quiet. No breeze, no note and then just one or two perfect notes slowly. It was beautiful! I sat there stunned by the absolute pure radiance of the moment. It is these type of experiences which add some meaning to this confusing life, giving us hope of something higher, of beauty and peace, of God.

Dirty World

I live in my world.
Let me live and dream
Of butterflies and sweet sunshine
Of buns filled with luscious cream

Why do you want to ruin
This illusion, though not true
By images of gruesome murder
By people with blood not red, but blue

I am but a speck of dust
With the power to imagine
That I am greater than myself
That its paradise I am in.

But you prove to me
Again and again, you perverts
You shove your dirty images
You hit me where it hurts

Get away from me! dirty world
I puke when I see the ugliness
Let me make my own movie
Let me live in my senselessness


Harish.S

Going from a 7 to a 10

*self help* I know, I know .Most of you reading this would stop reading after the first two words. But this guy here does give some real sound advice. I am stuck at a very very comfortable 7. I am mediocre in many of the things that I do. I realize that and I want to change. Doing some motivational reading can help when you are stuck. Check out Steve Pavlina.

Ashima

You drive me crazy
My love, is not pure clarity insanity as well ?
I do not know why we are here
I do not know what is good and what is bad.
All I know, is that I love you
And today I hold your hand as it moves
millions of tiny random motions over mine
And as your breath caresses my chest
All boundaries are shattered, my love
I know, for sure,without any doubt
That you exist and I exist
And we, are one.

Tarantino at SBI - IITM

Just today, I went to the SBI - State Bank of India, IIT Madras branch for some passbook related work. I needed a change of address to apply for a passport {next post} , and I saw the security guards carrying these huge rifles slung across their shoulders. I had wait for a few minutes to get my work done and my unstable, restless mind naturally started imagining scenarios. I should also tell you, in advance, that I had been re-watching Kill Bill II, that fantastic movie by Quentin Tarantino a hundred times as I do usually with most movies I like. So, I just wondered how the scene of this bank being robbed would be filmed by Quentin.

__________________________________________________
Chapter '0' - Robbery at the Indian Bad Service Bank.


Its a dark day and it is raining outside. There is a puddle in the mud just outside the bank. A small one and it reflects the SBI board upside down when suddenly, a brilliantly polished boot lands on it and walks past. Camera zoom out, and we see three guys impeccably clad in suits from Savile Row. All three are wearing black and all look almost exactly alike but not quite ( Imagine agents in The Matrix) . The guy walking in front has a small crack on his coolers which comes into focus as he turns to enter the building. Also the other two have two samurai swords which they are holding with their left hand to the back. Now they enter the bank one by one , the first one going straight to the counter. He pulls out two shining silver GLOCK pistols , holds it sideways simultaneously pointing it to the head of the woman at the counter and just holds it there . The other two men pull out their swords and simultaneously slice and dice the two guards. The main guy now talks to the lady, he says in a deep gruff voice - ' Excuse me for barging in on you like this miss, but you see I am in a terrible hurry. I dont quite like killing people but it turns out that it is the best past time when you are made to wait. You get where I am getting at ? So will you make me wait or fucking show me some green ? '

Now people shart shouting and running and the man, the main guy , shouts out loud - ' All you motherfuckers - Pardon the language - stay where you are and dont move unless you want to be squished like rotten tomatoes'. Just when he ends it, a girl standing near a display of fruits and vegetables, squishes a fine red tomato she is holding in her hand. Now at the far end the door opens and a guard enters. He realizes what is happening and suddenly finds that his rifle is not loaded. So he fishes out the bullet from the case and loads it into his gun, but he has been spotted and one of the samurai come rushing at him .. In slow motion, he aims the gun at the samurai making a full 90 degree sweep and fires. The camera follows the bullet and just before it hits the samurai he jumps. The bullet moves past the samurai and gives us a back view as he slices the guard's head off in one swift motion while still in the air. The main guy frowns and says to the lady at the counter - ' That, my young lady, is what happens when you try to be a hero.Your heads gets chopped off'.

He smiles and removes his glasses and we see that he has only one eye. At the place of the other, there is just empty space. She looks at him petrified and hands over the cash. ' Thank you', he says. 'The service at this bank is pretty fast. Perhaps, I should open an account here' and tilts his head, as he replaces the GLOCK pistols in his pockets and walks out. The other two men follow . He waits till they reach their car. A smashing new Audi A5 which also has a small crack in the right corner of its wind shield . The car's doors open . The main guy sits
at the back while his minions sit forward and they vroom away, leaving a trail of flying leaves in their wake.

_______________________________________________________

Questions

It is for moments of joy,those random sparks , that we trudge through this mundane greyness.
When will the fog lift ?
Is it fog or is it my eyes ?
Or my mind ?
Why do we keep walking and not bother to look at where we are going ?

Confusion

I am confused. I cannot think straight. I cannot think. Or am I thinking too much. No control over myself. No control. Susceptible. I feel very susceptible. If the devil wanted my soul , he could perhaps so easily tempt me. I see that there is something more , but that something is not clear. Not clear at all. So I simply turn away and begin to believe that it does not exist. Simply because I do not understand it , does not mean it does not exist. I cannot wish away the truth. But do I want to ? May be some more understanding. Someone who can tell me what it means , and make things clearer , even if it is not true. What am I doing? Why am I writing this ? Why am I such a loser ? What is going on ?

No Reasons

I love you not , for your looks
demi-goddess that you are
enchanting the mortal world

I love you not , for your innocent smile
which can in one simple curve
show me the meaning of existence .

I love you not , for the twinkle in your eye
a hint of mischief ,
like a dash of chocolate on vanilla

I love you not , for your talk
a voice which can melt
the un-meltable.

I love you because you are , and I am .

Sorry !

Aah! What a fine day to meet
The movie for today was Happy Feet
She was coming , to a movie with me
She was coming , to the OAT

I walked to the theater , fine evening sun
Bought tickets and awaited an evening of fun
At seven and thirty , disaster struck
She might not make it , at home she was stuck

Told her it was okay if she came late
Told her lets go , I will wait
Called her up more times than I should
Eager beaver , IITian , Ob I would

She couldn't make it , even if late
I was alone , stranded , at Vel's gate
Disappointed , I messaged my friend
A consoling pat , mebbe he could lend

"She is not coming man" , I lamented
"40 bucks down the drain , wasted "
I sent him the message , but the report said
I had sent her the message instead !!!

Sorry Miss K , I know that was cheap
Look, I am cursing myself now , bleep bleep bleep
I hope you laugh at this stupid rhyme
And gimme a chance to make up , sometime .

Only for you ( My song)

In the deep recesses of my mind
you dwell
far far away
tucked away safe , only for me

In the deep recesses of my mind
twirling slowly
in the grey haze
the violin plays , only for me

In the deep recesses of my mind
silence reigns
a distant gaze
a tear , only for me

In the deep recesses
In the deep recesses of mind
I yearn and I cry ... only for you
only for you , only for you .

Harish.S

Success

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory is a benediction.
- Anon

Guru - A Review

Rating : 7 /10

Guru is a story about a village boy who after a brief stint working abroad starts his own business in India and makes a huge success out of it. He is helped initially by the editor of a newspaper , a role played really well by Mithun Chakraborty. Later on , Guru starts employing unlawful means for business development and uses Mithun's paper as a medium to brow-beat competitors when he is away on vacation. Mithun-da gets mad and decides to turn the tables on Guru . Enter Madhavan , a bright young reporter investigating Guru's enterprise . Vidya Balan is his love interest and Mithun's daughter . Oh yes ! Aishwarya Rai is Abhishek's wife , Sujata , who is the dutiful perfect wife we see in so many Hindi movies . The movie ends with a 4.5 minute speech by Abhishek, during an enquiry into his nefarious ways, which totally and absolutely fails to deliver .

The first half of the movie is interesting and holds your interest , but the build up falls apart as the second half progresses. Abhishek Bacchan does a decent job as Guru delivering lines such as ' Lado to guru ki tarah par yaad rakhna ki guru sirf ek hi hai ' without looking over-pompous . Aishwarya Rai cannot dance . Or Mani Ratnam has asked her to not dance too well because she is after all a 'gaon ki ladki' which then ,is very good acting, but I really do doubt that . Mallika Sherawat's item number oozes oomph - very sexy . The lady does expose and how ! Vidya Balan and Madhavan have small roles which are essayed well and with confidence. The cinematography is obviously fantastic , Maniratnam and Rajiv Menon really deliver on that count. The music does not seem all that great , not Rahman level , except ' Barso re Megha Megha ' which is pretty catchy.

Worth a watch , if you are jobless .

My present state

I am an old man , sitting on a rocking chair , slowly swaying,
back and forth , back and forth ,
not thinking , not wanting to think,
not talking , not wanting to talk,
the only conscious movement being the effort
to keep the chair in motion .

One day , some day , I will be liberated,
Then , I will get up and realize,
I have been wasting
my f*****g time.